For the last two and a half years I've had the wonderful opportunity to host a burlesque show at The Annoyance Theater. Originally titled Late Night Tit-Bits, I played Nick Divencenzo, a well-meaning, out of touch Jersey Boy (by way of Danzig) who owns The House That Partial Nudity Built. Nick lives in the mocktail cathouse with the lovely and strange girls in the non-fictional town of Calumet, Illinois.
The facts of Nick:
*He has big hair and chest hair, and peppers his speeches with "fuckin"'s.
*He and the girls subsist on a diet of his homemade, authentic, secret chili.
*He often abuses his audiences verbally, because he cares about them. So he offers time-saving kitchen tips ("To heat something up for a minute in your microwave, instead of pressing 1-0-0, just hit 6-0"), or money-saving holiday gifts (pubic hair broach).
*He owns many random modes of transportation (old busses, snowmobiles, rafts) and houses animals (cats, horses, corn weevils) that come and go or get trapped in the freight elevator.
*He seems to be in a never-ending war with the Church's Chicken down the street.
*There was a time in his life he likes to refer to as "his early twenties."
*In the 80's he was a contestant on Star Search (Category: Spokesmodel) but was beaten out by singer Doug Schwander after one of the judges called Nick "a poor man's Frank Stallone."
*He tried to do a version of the burlesque house on the internet called cyberlesque.tv. He bought all the girls virtual reality helmets, but when you "tuned in to the internet show," it just looked like a bunch of drunk, sexy welders bumping into each other. So he pulled the plug on that, declaring, "There's no way to make money on the internet using sex."
*When they are not playing the game "Chase Me, Chase Me," or having tickle feather fights or shaving cream balloon races, Nick and the girls encounter problems they must solve.
*He likes old school burlesque and does not like tribute burlesques about September 11th, Hurricane Katrina, The Twin Cities Freeway Collapse, The Great White Rhode Island Fire Disaster, or The Brown's Chicken Murders.
*Sometimes the girls will drive him crazy, and he'll have to let off some steam. Originally he rode a wooden pogo stick (the "Go-Go Stick") to soothe his nerves, but sometime during the run it became kindlewood. So he employs a drum kit which he purchased off of "craigsface."
*But he always respects the girls.
"It's one big, happy, sexy family," he likes to say.
I could go on and on and I just did. But it is a role that I originated and have much love for. So it is with a bit of regret that I must retire. This year looks to be filling up with musical endeavors that will prevent me from sharing the stage on Saturday nights with beautiful women as they disrobe in a humorous and therefore genuinely sexy way.
So good night Burlesque Is More:
Luna Shotz, the angry New York astronaut
Cookie Crewneck, the tabloid absorbed Gap salesgirl
Christie Claws, the abusive Salvation Army Santa
Geri Atrixx, whose routine involved a walker and Werther's Original hard candy
Samoa Maimuff, the Nuge-blaring lesbo girl scout
Wolforia, her lover was a wolf
and
Eugena Fertileson, the country bumpkin science nerd in step with today's freshest dance moves
You will be missed by this Nick.
Maybe there'll be a chance to understudy again...
Verdict: Win
Burlesque Is More continues its run on Saturday nights at 10pm at The Annoyance Theater, 4830 N Broadway, Chicago
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