As The People’s Weatherman I am here to talk about the recent heatwave. Many of you here at this sophisticated current events salon might dismiss the weather as a news topic, but let’s get something straight:
Weather is what we talk about with people we don’t know or with people we know but don’t want to get to know. These people are all around us. So drink your free range microbrews and listen to the news.
Some of the weather lines got a few laughs, but these were quickly absorbed by my character making fun of beer that isn't even served at the bar.
Now because I am an authority on the weather, my opinions have become facts. With that, I have a very special weather report: Summer sucks. Thumbs down, Summer. Summer sucks so much that winter is better than summer.
I’ll tell you why:
Look at my arms. Notice my left arm is seven shades darker than my right arm. As a result my left arm is subject to stricter scrutiny from airport security. While I was researching the weather in our nation’s capitol, the Tea Party Movement demanded my left arm produce a birth certificate. And when I was studying heat in Arizona, my left arm was arrested for suspected illegal immigration. However my right arm took in a Diamondbacks game and almost caught a foul ball. Still, I’ve never been half arrested during an autumn football game or a winter skiing match.