From 1983-85, and from 1985-present, my favorite video game has been Dragon's Lair.
For the record, video games haven't been a very big part of my life.
I've owned an Atari 2600 and a Nintendo.
In early 1990, someone broke into our home and stole the Nintendo.
It put an end to my interest in video games.
I would like to take this time to thank that burglar (still at large).
He helped me avoid one form of arrested development.
If only he had also stolen my interest in performing.
Dragon's Lair ruled.
It was that cartoon game.
Disney ex-pat Don Bluth did it.
Ricky Stratton had one on Silver Spoons.
They also had one at the 7-Eleven on Addison Road.
If I had 50 cents, that's where I'd be.
The premise:
Dirk the Daring infiltrates a castle of giddy goons, enchanted anvils, anonymous tentacles, giant colored bowling balls, soda-flavored whirlpools, thorns, poisons, skulls, The Lizard King...
Obviously I could keep going on.
...all to save a cleavagey princess seen briefly in the game's "attract mode".
From a magazine I learned a few moves and got pretty good at it.
But I never mastered it.
Nor did I ever see anyone master it.
So I never saw the princess' boobs or anything.
But now we have the internet.
And you can experience everything that's ever been done or seen without having to leave your couch.
So I googlepediatubed Dragon's Lair and watched it played to perfection.
It was great.
Except you don't ever get to see the princess' boobs, man.
Then I remembered Leisure Suit Larry.
That's a game where you have sex with a prostitute or something.
I never owned it or even saw it.
But I watched it played to perfection thanks to the internet.
In this game you do get to see boobs.
They're very sexy, if you're into right angles.
I did some more research.
I had always heard about a game called Custer's Revenge.
This is a game where you are a cowboy whose goal is to rape a Native American woman tied to a stake.
Right?
Your penis is about 3 blips long.
It's horrible and stupid and wrong and hilarious.
Somehow it got worse.
Using the internet, I started to discover old games I had never heard of.
X-Man (Pac-Man that fucks).
Bachelorette Party (Breakout with ricocheting gonads).
Gigolo (Burgertime sorta..with male prostitution).
And then there's Burning Desire.
In this game you are a nude rescue worker dangling from a helicopter, trying to save a nude woman held captive by flames and cannibals. Using your enormous, also dangling penis, you put out the flames. While the cannibals throw squares at you, the nude woman holds onto your enormous, dangling penis with her mouth and you get points.
I kept going.
But why?
Why did I keep going?
There once was a game called Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.
Here we go:
In Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em, you control a pair of women whose sole purpose in life is to wait at the bottom of a building for the man on the roof to masturbate his yellowish semen down to their awaiting appetites.
Basically, it's Kaboom! with...ugh. I dunno.
It's Kaboom! with cum.
There I said it.
Now one might argue that this game is horribly sexist.
But the fine folks at Mystique protected themselves by creating double-sided cartridges.
On one side you have Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.
On the other side it's Philly Flasher.
Philly Flasher reverses the genders!
In this game, you control two male convicts who wait at the bottom of their prison yard to orally catch the breast milk of a witch(!). When the jailbirds have reached their daily allotment of haggy necro-calcium, they masturbate to completion and you score points.
So there.
That's not sexist at all!
I looked around the couch.
It was nighttime already.
I had made a screenshot from Custer's Revenge my new screen saver.
And I became one of three people on Facebook to "like" Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em.
If only that burglar had also stolen my brain's 3-blip penis.
Verdict: Loss
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