Lauren and I went on a day date to the Morton Arboretum.
Turns out the place was huge.
We enjoyed relaxed goofings in a statue garden.
Then we stumbled upon some scarecrows.
They were made by brownies or something.
Some of them were fun.
Most of them were odd.
Only one of them was gory.
One in particular was alarming.
Poor Super Daisy.
Super Daisy's plight made us hungry.
At lunch Lauren asked me what I had planned for tomorrow.
Tomorrow was the appointment to look at engagement ring diamonds.
For the record, I cannot lie.
Also, I like big butts.
And I cannot lie.
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
"I'm going out in the afternoon," I hazily gestured.
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just gonna go out."
I started to smile uncontrollably.
Like a five year old with a secret.
I covered it with a weird mug shot smirk.
Lauren got weirded out.
"Oh no. What's going on? Is it bad?"
I had to think quick.
"I was just planning on doing some birthday shopping, that's all."
Lauren's birthday is in November.
Thankfully, it fell vaguely within the same season we were almost in.
Somehow she bought it.
And I changed the subject as quickly as I could.
"So, remember that one Whitesnake video..."
Then we went to Margie's Candies.
It's an olde tyme ice cream shoppe.
The Beatles ate there last week.
Or maybe it was 1965.
We got hot fudge sundaes and split a vanilla malted.
Just like in the lyrics of "Helter Skelter".
With a hay bale's worth of melting dairy in our bellies, I fought us through rush hour traffic.
Swerving and swearing.
"YOU FUCKING FUCK! UGH! I HATE ALL HUMANS!!"
I was displaying great date behavior.
Though Lauren did concede that most people were being assholes.
Speeding up to not let you change lanes.
Cutting you off.
Holding up traffic to text.
"Everyone's working against each other," she remarked.
Her calm observation of the simple facts helped tame my hate.
By the time we got to Second City I had cooled off enough to give her a real kiss.
She went off to teach comedy writing and I went home to write comedy.