I decided to treat myself to a cheering up.
The silly bleakness I'd expressed on this blooog had some friends concerned.
Over on the internet, episodes of The Flintstones are available for casual viewing.
I grew up on The Flintstones.
I spent most of my childhood indoors in front of a television.
Between 1st and 3rd grade I never saw my friends during the summer.
I remained inside the apartment, curtains drawn, lying down on the living room floor with the air conditioning unit turned up loud and high.
Since both of my parents worked, I didn't have to.
So I lazed about in my Underoos with the WFLD Channel 32 programming schedule branded onto my frontal lobe.
I loved it.
I had my own apartment.
Every day was Home Alone.
My parents did attempt some sort of adult supervision.
They paid the Indian lady across the hall to periodically check up on me.
One late afternoon in 1981 I was engrossed in an episode of The Flintstones when the front door creaked open.
The lady across the hall poked her head in.
It was not during a commercial break.
"What do you want?"
Wow.
Even at six I could be a complete asshole.
I wonder where I got it from.
Then I watched the "Hot Lips Hannigan" episode of The Flintstones.
Fred Flintstone is an asshole.
He has no sense of humor, treats his friends like shit, and has a horrible relationship with his wife.
In the first three minutes, an angry Fred berated Barney Rubble for being a "no talent", and closed the scene by saying, "I don't know why I stay friends with that guy."
At home, his off key bellow shattered four mugs, the television screen, and a pitcher Wilma was holding.
Pissed off on a hammock, he mused "Ah, women. No musical appreciation at all."
Then he forced Barney to lend him his trampoline.
Back at home he continued to destroy household items. This time, his magic tablecloth trick failed and the Flintstones lost an entire set of China.
Soon after, Fred made Wilma and Betty Rubble vanish in a disappearing cabinet.
Delighted, he and Barney went scatting off to a jazz club, leaving the girls trapped in the unknown.
This pissed off the girls, who were hiding in another room.
So they dressed up like beatniks to catch them red-handed and "hospitalize" them.
Fred reconnected with his old pal Hot Lips Hooligan at the Rockland Dancehall.
Barney, confused about Fred's retirement from music, asked him what happened.
"Wilma happened."
Sitting in with Hot Lips Hannigan, Freddie "The Golden Smog" Flintstone sang "When The Saints Go Marching In".
He sang with the bravado of a drunk blowhard at a wedding who thinks he's Sinatra.
It went on a little too long, "man."
After the set, Hot Lips tried to flirt with Wilma and Betty.
"Scoodle-eee wah wah wah," he slithered, and held out his hand. "Con-tact!"
Wilma immediately cracked him in the head with her prehistoric purse.
"There's some contact for ya, you old goatface!"
Somehow they all went home and kind of worked it out, although they left a lot unresolved.
The men never told the women about the jazz club.
The women never told the men about the disguises.
But Wilma did spook Fred into a coma, which lasted for a whole day it seems.
"Wilma. I'm hungry. Why don't make me something?"
How did she live with this man?
To be fair, over the course of the day Wilma did throw a flowerpot into Fred's mouth and smashed the egg he was holding.
Also, she repeatedly bludgeoned him with a frying pan she had brought to the dressmaker.
But I loved The Flintstones.
No wonder I'm such an asshole.
Verdict: Win
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