So I'm not the only one quitting my job this week.
As most people have heard, a
flight attendant cursed out an asshole passenger, grabbed some beer, activated the inflatable emergency chute, and entered the world of unemployment.
Also, a
girl used a
Subterranean Homesick Blues dry erase board montage to quit her job. People called her a HPOA, which does not stand for House of American Pancakes.
Bummer cuz I'm hungry.
Double bummer because it ended up being a hoax for no reason.
But the world has embraced the flight attendant, hailing him as a hero.
Just like Joe the Plumber and 2 Girls 1 Cup.
I decided I should be a hero, too.
I could create an international internetional buzz!
A buzzolution!!
A celebuzz-tion!!!
Imagine: going from the miserable worthlessness of anonymity to the glory of immediate fame and blind worship!
It's The American Dream.
I had to act now.
After all, my boss hired a new driver to replace me.
And yesterday I only made about $40.
I bet he gave him all the good work.
I don't have to take this fuckin' poop!
It's time for this nation to unite again!!
World Domination could be ours!!
But mostly mine!!!
My plan:
Using a hang glider, I hang glide in a Blue Angels uniform. As I approach the windows of the office, I shoot a bachelorette party penis-pistol in the direction of my boss. The penis-pistol shoots a flag that says "TAKE THIS JOB & SUCK IT". Then I pound a Mickey's Big Mouth and piss "
I AIN'T WORKIN' HERE NO MORE" in a graceful cursive onto the sidewalk below. While my boss reads my classy urine, The Jesse White Tumblers arrive by tank and flash him. The Jesse White Tumblers use puppetry of the penis to spell out "I RETIRE" while I do a few outrageous tricks and splits on my hang glider. After I nail a totally awesome vague aerobatic maneuver, the USC Marching Band breaks through a wall and plays the Afroman anti-work song
"Fuck McDonald's and Taco Bell". I have saved enough money to pay the real Afroman to sing it. While Afroman jams with the USC Marching Band, The Jesse White Tumblers and I perform a synchronized land and air routine. Then a Blue Angels jet plane swoops down and hands me a contract for the higher-paying position of Head Writer for the Blue Angels.
I place the results onto the internet, get buzz, quit the Blue Angels gig, and live off my royalties as an overnight internet superstar!
But that was going to be a lot of work.
First off I'd have to go to one of those party stores and purchase a penis-pistol.
Everyone would think I'm a pervert or a molester.
Besides, it's getting harder and harder to find Mickey's malt liquor.
So I decided not to do it.
I did go to the office to hand in some paperwork, and stayed to enjoy the novelty of air conditioning.
I noticed the phones were not ringing.
Nor were any orders coming in online.
I sat in the office for a couple of hours.
I emailed my resume to the box office job.
I applied for a bike delivery job on the Potbelly website.
The phones remained quiet.
Still no orders.
I guess my boss wasn't trying to screw me.
He was getting screwed by progress.
The Nurse Novels have a show next month at Schuba's.
I wrote a press release for the occasion:
THE NURSE NOVELS TO PERFORM DEBUT SINGLE IN POOR TENSE
Chicago needed one more band.
After the demise of Let’s Get Out of This Terrible Sandwich Shop, Thea Lux, Tony Mendoza and Tom Vale recruited Nicole Vitale from Unicycle Loves You to begrudgingly satiate whiny Chicago’s needy, needy needs.
They call themselves The Nurse Novels.
The Nurse Novels have accomplished the recording of 12 original songs, to be released in a series of four singles. The debut single In Poor Tense is happening right now.
Briefly:
“War” was written by Thea. It’s about war and features Alan Scalpone from The Bitter Tears on accordion. “Sea Day” was written by Tony. One time he worked on a cruise ship as an entertainer. That’s Heinz Hackl on the pedal steel. “Make Me Cry” was written by Tom. His caffeinated romantic anxieties are punctuated by Alan Scalpone and recording engineer Greg Norman on brass.
At some point In Poor Tense will be available for theft on computers and phones and all that fucking bullshit through The Roydale Recording Company. But for now it can only be enjoyed on a compact disc-R in a limited edition homemade pressing, which includes two boss bonus tracks.
The Nurse Novels will be performing this new single at Schuba’s on September 11. They have to keep writing that date down because they always seem to forget it.
Also, the band has booked a high profile show for the tenth anniversary of In Poor Tense, which they will play in its entirety for the occasion.
The Nurse Novels
with Unicycle Loves You (record release) and Village
Saturday, September 11, 2010, 10pm
Schuba's
3159 N Southport
$10
Friday, September 11, 2020, 8pm
Jeff Tweedy Pavillion For Charitable Arts, Highland Park
$500 - $20,000
Please send $5 to the return address for payment of In Poor Tense. Thanks!
***
Because we haven't manufactured the actual CD's yet, I burned a few copies of the single and drew some colored pencil artwork, and that is what I hand delivered to the press.
I like hand delivering press releases.
The security guys at the Tribune dabbled in Dad humor.
The girl at Time Out and the fella at The Reader were both very nice.
The guy in the Sun Times mailroom winked at me heterosexually.
The woman at WBEZ seemed surprised that she didn't have to sign for the package.
The Onion is funny.
They are not listed on the entry buzzer of their building.
This means you have to buzz a different company to get in, or sneak in on the heels of another tenant. This time I went the route of the heel. Nobody was at the reception desk, and when I went back and rang the doorbell, nobody came. I left the package on the front desk.
I didn't get paid for these runs, but they felt better to deliver than all that other crap.
Verdict: Win
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