December 27 - Stuff Old People Hate

The van needed a new tire.
Every two days I've had to fill it up with air.
I took it to Tire Party or Mostly Tires or one of those tire asshole places.
It stunk of rubber and unwarranted male bravado.
Guys with tan lines where their gang bang wristbands used to be.

They said it would be a few hours.
I had a few gift cards to burn.
So I went to Borders again.
This time I skimmed the latest Stuff White People Like book.
Another blog-turned-book deal.
Biting satire and all that.
I always thought it was a funny website.
Until I realized that I am its target.
Obviously, I'm white.
Even though I'm Cuban.
The author is white.
But this isn't about being white.
It's about being boring.
And useless.

So what's some stuff white people like?
Road Trips - He railed on people who romanticize small highways and eat at places that aren't chains.  His point was that observing townies in their natural environment was as artificial as a quarter pounder.
I like road trips, and I like eating at restaurants that aren't chains.

Improv - He pointed out that only white people will pay money to see something that most likely will fail.  It's true that whites dominate improv for whatever reason.  We've all made fun of this fact for years.
I have performed and taught improv for over ten years.

Ironic Facial Hair - He understandably mocked this.
In 2000, I grew a moustache for curiosity.  I did it again this year, though irony wasn't the goal.  I don't know what the goal was.  But I am guilty of having facial hair while being white, but not qualifying as a Mancow meathead or a union schlub.

The Wire/Mad Men - He made fun of liking these shows.  I forget why.
I have said out loud that, for me, The Wire transcended the concept of a television show.  I like Mad Men.

Considering Journalism - He derided the privilege of being white and the luxury of finding oneself, which often leads toward thinking about getting a journalism degree.
This year I borrowed books from my journalist friend Christy.  I was considering journalism.

Writing Short Stories - He ridiculed short stories as the perfect medium for white people's directionless drivel.
I just gave out short stories as Christmas presents.

It went on.
I went on.

It inspired me to do a new blog.
It's called Everything Is Stupid: You Suck.
I'll just list things and why they are stupid and why you suck.

Here's an excerpt:

Pizza - You have eaten a pizza probably.  This is every idiot's dream.  You suck.  Fuck you.

Then I'll have a picture of someone who thinks they are cool, but in reality they are worthless, eating a pizza.

That's an entry.
Then I'll get a book deal.
Maybe even a shitty sitcom.

Oh no.
I'm old.
I'm bitter.
I'm taking satire personally.
This is my nightmare.
I do suck.
I am an idiot.
Fuck me.

I left Borders empty-handed again.

The macho tire clowns patched up my tire.
It only cost $40 or some shit.
I paid for it with a gift card.

For dinner I rubbed garlic on some toast.
And thought about how much I suck.

I didn't understand.
I liked the website.
It made me laugh.
It's good satire.
What happened?

Defeated by a bathroom book.

Verdict: Loss

1 comment:

  1. i can't post comments from my itouch. That's my whine. A couple days ago i posted a non-comment comment lamenting the fact that when I link to your blog from facebook I can't also use its "like" button. The like button is great for saying. . . "hey, i like this, but I really don't have a comment per se". Anyway, it didn't post.