My crystal meth.
My biting women if I was Marv Albert.
I had already jogged twice this week.
It's only Tuesday.
I even went out jogging today.
So now that's three times.
For three days in a row.
Clearly I have a problem.
Now that I'm addicted to jogging, I realized I had to do something about it.
I went through denial and anger and bargaining.
All of the 39 steps.
And then I relinquished my soul to God.
God spoke to me in his soothing, buttery baritone.
He told me to make egg nog.
So I created a recipe using computers.
• 6 eggs
• 1 or 2 pints heavy cream
• Cinnamon sticks
• A snifter of brandy
• Nutmeg shavings
• Any amount of rum• Your favorite bourbon x 3
• Sprinkles of vanilla
• Chaser of beer (optional)
I drank a bunch of it.
It was very edible.
I mean imbibable.
It made me feel the spirit inside of me.
Yeah, it was very imbibable.
And you know what?
"Imbibable" spelled backwards is "Bible...I am".
Yeah, man.
I am The Bible!
Cuz like God's words live through me.
And you, too.
Know what I'm sayin'?
Hey, which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Trick question.
The answer is fucken God, man.
Look it up.
In the Bible.
Look it up in yourself!
Ooh.
I have to take a piss.
Hey I'm fucken back.
So yeah, today cuz of egg nog and a higher power, I was cured of my addiction to jogging.
Verdict: Win
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