Today was the big day.
Filming turkeys, roasts and hams.
I stuck close to the food stylists.
We covered the meats in foil and gave them numbers.
"That's a 1. That's a 2."
The clients all gathered around video village.
I steamed the wrinkles out of a butcher's apron.
The head food stylist was also the talent.
I was in charge of her rubber gloves.
First up was the ham.
The camera closed in on her rubber gloved hands slicing into the big pink stone.
The director gave her a note about her technique.
"Romance the ham!"
I wrote this down on my notepad.
Next was a roast.
The assistant camera was impressed.
"This meat looks good from every angle."
The head food stylist sliced and folded the cut over itself, revealing a nice marble.
Mmm.
It was almost time for lunch.
So naturally we threw away all the wonderfully cooked hams and roasts to make room for the catered lunch.
The trash cans were stuffed with warm, delicious autumnal aromas.
The garbage smelled good from every angle.
I'm glad we threw away all that food.
It created a nice potpourri for us while we ate other food.
After lunch, it was the turkey's big moment to shine.
And be juicy.
The clients wanted it juicy.
Meanwhile, the food stylists created a spackle to cover up any turkey blemishes.
Here's how to do it:
Using a cuticle tool, scrape shavings from one of your uglier turkeys.
Mix it in a small pinch bowl with a small dab of KY Jelly.
And voila!
You have made turkey spackle.
Apply the spackle to any unsightly speckles on your hero turkey.
Still, the clients demanded more juice from the turkey.
Time to get the big guns out.
The head food stylist filled a syringe with saline and injected the bird with a large dose, seconds before the take.
The turkey oozed and goozed, but mostly at the bottom.
The clients wanted the juice to come from the top.
The food stylist was getting annoyed with the clients.
The director was getting annoyed with the food stylist.
I crouched on an apple box and prepped more rubber gloves.
Since lunch, it had been 4 hours and 5 turkeys.
There was talk of adding more juice in post.
CGI turkey sweat.
And without any fanfare, the director had announced that the shoot was over.
It took forever to clean up.
All those spackled, saline-juiced birds were stuffed into bags and tossed.
The floors were slick with gristle grime and meat water.
There was a general air of salmonella in the room.
Mmm.
We ate pizza.
We painted the stage floor.
We were close to finished by 9:30.
I had to go to the bar and work the door.
And get salmonella fingerprints all over hipster ID's.
Verdict: Win
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