August 19 - A Gaffe For The Gaffers

Today I drove a van full of grips out to Rockford.

It was a location scout on another ice rink.

This is the one we will use.

The grips gave me playful shit when I accidentally took the wrong exit.

My identity would become that gaffe.

It seems this shoot is going to be a flaming bag of shit on a bullet train.

The ride back home was a cacophonous cat's cradle of cellphone stabs - who can get what to where by when now.

It's busier than it's ever been in this city.

That's why I'm on this gig.

No experience, jumping in.

I'm beginning to see how it all comes together.

I got out of Fletcher around 8pm and took a sweaty one-hour nap in the back of the van in front of my moonlighting job.

Here's what I wrote while manning the door of the bar:

The black cowboy brought four matching sandy blonde leather travel cases with him to the bar. He told some women that had he nowhere to stay for the night. One woman, a regular, observed.

"You have nowhere to stay tonight, so you came to a neighborhood bar?"

The jukebox is keeping me awake.

The clientele seems to like their 80s music.

"Eye of the Tiger", English Beat, Stevie Nicks, Talking Heads, Jacko.

Atleast it's "Rock Lobster" this time - wait - that's late 70s.

I put in a weird batch.

Curtis Mayfield "Superfly" - Statler Brothers "Flowers On the Wall" - Misfits "Night of The Living Dead".

Let's see what happens.

My last mix was for me: Little Richard "Lucille" - Kinks "Tired of Waiting" - Stones "Doo Doo Heartbreaker".

This mix is for no one.

They seemed to prefer the no one mix.

Ugh.

Just had a particularly bitter/acrid wet burp.

I can't wait to sleep for more than 5 hours.

Verdict: Win

August 18 - You Don't Bring Us Flowers, LA Whore

I ordered flowers for the receptionist downstairs.

It seems Lyne had chewed her out bad.

Lyne hates Chicago.

I asked Joanie what the message should say.

"Mean people suck."

The flowers helped.

This job is odd.

Verdict: Win

August 17 - Snack Scout

Joanie asked me to arrive at Fletcher at 8:30am.

I carried two large tool kits and a printer up to a rental office.

A thin man named Sven greeted me with caution.

It seemed he was her assistant.

Joanie told me to pick up some sundries from the supermarket, along with a woman named Lyne from a hotel in River North.

She was from LA and enjoyed a Ron Wood haircut.

"I'm pretty green, so I'm not sure what we are doing today," I confessed.

"Scouting locations", Lyne stated.

I dropped her off and ran around town purchasing breakfast, coffee, lunch, more snacks and office supplies.

I didn't get the right type of 8-tab separators.

But I did get the right type of pens.

Lyne's necklace broke.

She asked if I could find some pliers.

I went downstairs by the cliquey gaggle of camera techs.

They were joking about shop.

"The greenest PA in the reddest shirt!" they laughed.

Hmm.

I was wearing a red shirt yesterday.

They eventually but briefly acknowledged my existence and found some tools for me to borrow.

It took two attempts before I found the right kind of pliers for Lyne's necklace.

But I did it!

Is this what I do now?

With a couple of Whole Foods bags filled with fruit, healthy snacks and specific brands of tea and soy milk, I hailed a cab out to the suburbs. Horizontal, I woke up in Elmhurst with the pressured branding of my sunglasses on the left side of my face.

I picked up a rental SUV and headed for the airport to pick up Cody the director.

Over the course of the day, I learned that Lyne was the producer for a commercial that had something to do with hockey. It would be shooting in a week.

I held up a sign with the name Cody on it.

Cody walked past me and called the office to see where I was.

Misfire!

Cody talked about how the word "snacks" was funny.

He was on the phone for the majority of our time together.

I think I was older than Cody.

I was to take Cody to an ice rink near the airport so he could scout it out.

The directions were inaccurate and at one point I had to turn around.

Cody started a second conversation with me during his main conversation.

"Should I just call Lyne to get directions from her?"

We never had another conversation.

Cody joined Lyne and the location scout at the ice rink.

It would not do.

Afterward, Lyne and Cody rode back to the city.

Cody ragged on the storyboards.

Lyne ragged on Chicago.

I drove an SUV.

They took the Whole Foods bags with them to the hotel.

I went to a sporting goods store and purchased hockey gear.

An Italian sausage found its way into my diet.

I got home around 9pm and received a text from Joanie.

"Awesome job today"

Verdict: Win

August 16 - Wimps

Today I began exploring a new direction as a production assistant on the set of a commercial.

I arrived at a residence in Oak Park at 7:30am.

I wore a red cowboy shirt and jeans.

The other PAs wore black t-shirts and cargo shorts.

While many people did several things, I taped cardboard to the walls of the house.

I took garbage out.

I walked around.

I looked for things to do.

It was a commercial for a website that babysits for you or something.

Two kids and a young woman walked up and down a porch forty times.

Then it was lunch.

Protocol dictated that production assistants eat last.

While the cast and the crew ate in the backyard, Ash, a veteran PA, and I took turns eating kabobs and watching all the gear that was laying out in the front yard.

Ash came equipped with a belt of tools and tape and blades.

He told me about a shoot for a local car dealership that lasted over 30 hours.

This job is different.

I have to be ready to improvise.

And create work for myself.

I'm not so good at this.

I have to talk to strangers.

Sometimes I have to tell them to do things.

I'm not good at this either.

But it's change and historically that is supposed to be a good thing.

For one scene, I listened to the action from the steps of the house.

The owner sat next to me and chatted with the talent between takes.

The actor playing the mother had to shush the woman in her own home.

The shoot was easy and done by 3pm.

I was asked if I could help out for the rest of the week on a different job.

Of course.

I went home and wrote a wimpy song.

It's called "Wimps".

Despite the victorious day, it was how I was felt.

Verdict: Win

August 15 - Bile Angels

Today Tom, Thea and I got together to go over some new songs.

The Air & Water Show added in-the-red sky-ripping to our cover of "He Needs Me".

Fuck those assholes.

Verdict: Loss

August 14 - Shithead

Lauren and I went to The Paper Machete.

It was packed to the gills.

The readers were all better than me.

I have to watch that fine line now between jealousy and bitterness.

Drank beer.

Did little else.

Verdict: Loss

Delay Part II

Dear Loser Blog Diary,

I miss writing in you.

The last two weeks have been nonstop with mostly 12-16 work days.

Today is a ten hour day in my new life as a production assistant.

Then I have two hours to rest until my less new life as a tavern doorman.

Then I have another two hours to rest until my newest life as an unpaid production assistant doing a favor job in order to make more connections.

Then I have no hours rest for a wedding band djembe rehearsal.

Then I fall asleep at the wheel and die on Lake Shore Drive just like James Dean and Jayne Mansfield and Nighthawks.

I can't wait to tell you all about in detail two weeks from now.

I'll be in heaven or hell or Taco Bell, whichever place Jesus and The Devil agree on sending me.

Regards,

tony