I wrote a silly song today.
Actually, it's a stupid one.
It's called "Carl, You Do An Excellent Job".
It takes place in an apartment complex.
Carl is the maintenance man.
He leads a simple life.
And he does a good job around the apartment complex.
Some would say an excellent job.
I made a video for it.
For no reason.
It ended up being a tribute to the first Carl I could think of.
Enjoy?
Verdict: Win
November 28 - Toled'oh
We bid adieu to Lauren's folks and the great state of Pennsylvania, and greeted eight hours of roadway.
I had scouted a lunch spot in Toledo.
A diner called Schmucker's.
They had a neon sign said "GOOD FOOD".
But when we arrived, the sign wasn't on.
Maybe they were only serving bad food at the time.
We were hungry so that would have been fine.
But alas, Schmucker's was closed.
Bummer.
Next time.
We tried another place.
One of those 50's diners from the 90's.
It had just closed.
It was 3pm.
Toledo is a tough town.
Backtracking toward the highway, we stumbled on a jumbo restaurant.
The Six Pack Bar & Grill.
We walked into the large box.
It was an ugly barnacle of a barn, illuminated by 427 television sets.
All the TV sets were forced to play sports.
They seemed sad.
We sat down next to a couple of dudes watching NFL and waited, eventually flagging down a waitressy looking girl.
She took our drink order.
Three waters.
"Do you have a menu we could look at?" Lauren politely dangled.
The waitressy girl pointed to a wall.
"It's on the wall."
We squinted, struggling to find the wall menu in the dimly lit horse shed.
She must have thought we were complete morons.
Yeah, maybe.
After all, we chose to come here.
"C'mon, I'll show you," she waved.
Once we saw the menus we said understood.
"Oh."
The menu was printed on a giant, saggy vinyl banner in a corner by the restrooms.
The options were limited.
Pre-made apps.
Frozen pizzas.
Burgers from bags.
The way they were positioned on the dying banner, the menu items looked like they were competing against each other.
Cheeseburger vs. Nachos
Hot Dog vs. Cheese Fries
Potato Chips vs. Ding Dongs
We were hungry.
But not 7-11 hungry.
We retreated to our table and sat down.
The waitressy girl came back with our waters and accidentally spilled one of them on my mom.
"Oh no/shit!" they said respectively.
The NFL dudes shot us a look.
We sipped our waters.
Time to go.
We put our coats on.
The NFL dudes seemed offended.
"Are you leaving because she spilled your water?"
No, I said, we thought this was a restaurant.
Y'know.
The kind that has the word "Grill" in its name.
The waitressy girl was nice though, and recommended a spot in a strip mall back by Schmucker's that actually used a grill.
So we went there.
And then we went home.
Thanksgiving weekend had ended.
It was an emotional roller coaster.
But a mild coaster.
Like The Whizzer.
Verdict: Win
I had scouted a lunch spot in Toledo.
A diner called Schmucker's.
They had a neon sign said "GOOD FOOD".
But when we arrived, the sign wasn't on.
Maybe they were only serving bad food at the time.
We were hungry so that would have been fine.
But alas, Schmucker's was closed.
Bummer.
Next time.
We tried another place.
One of those 50's diners from the 90's.
It had just closed.
It was 3pm.
Toledo is a tough town.
Backtracking toward the highway, we stumbled on a jumbo restaurant.
The Six Pack Bar & Grill.
We walked into the large box.
It was an ugly barnacle of a barn, illuminated by 427 television sets.
All the TV sets were forced to play sports.
They seemed sad.
We sat down next to a couple of dudes watching NFL and waited, eventually flagging down a waitressy looking girl.
She took our drink order.
Three waters.
"Do you have a menu we could look at?" Lauren politely dangled.
The waitressy girl pointed to a wall.
"It's on the wall."
We squinted, struggling to find the wall menu in the dimly lit horse shed.
She must have thought we were complete morons.
Yeah, maybe.
After all, we chose to come here.
"C'mon, I'll show you," she waved.
Once we saw the menus we said understood.
"Oh."
The menu was printed on a giant, saggy vinyl banner in a corner by the restrooms.
The options were limited.
Pre-made apps.
Frozen pizzas.
Burgers from bags.
The way they were positioned on the dying banner, the menu items looked like they were competing against each other.
Cheeseburger vs. Nachos
Hot Dog vs. Cheese Fries
Potato Chips vs. Ding Dongs
We were hungry.
But not 7-11 hungry.
We retreated to our table and sat down.
The waitressy girl came back with our waters and accidentally spilled one of them on my mom.
"Oh no/shit!" they said respectively.
The NFL dudes shot us a look.
We sipped our waters.
Time to go.
We put our coats on.
The NFL dudes seemed offended.
"Are you leaving because she spilled your water?"
No, I said, we thought this was a restaurant.
Y'know.
The kind that has the word "Grill" in its name.
The waitressy girl was nice though, and recommended a spot in a strip mall back by Schmucker's that actually used a grill.
So we went there.
And then we went home.
Thanksgiving weekend had ended.
It was an emotional roller coaster.
But a mild coaster.
Like The Whizzer.
Verdict: Win
November 27 - Family Friend Grabass
Tonight we threw a surprise party for Lauren's mom.
We hid in a steak house filled with balloons.
All her friends were there.
And all her daughters, too.
Including a daughter who flew in from Mississippi.
Even my mom showed up!
We yelled it.
"Surprise!"
It blew her mind!
Lauren's folks have good friends and family.
They like to get silly and make sloppy, slippy speeches from the heart.
It was a wonderful tribute to a wonderful woman.
The spirit (and spirits) of the evening overtook me.
While hugging a family friend goodbye, I inadvertently squeezed her ass.
Poor Bonnie.
I apologized profusely.
She dismissed me with a hand.
"It was the best part of the night," she said.
Verdict: Win
We hid in a steak house filled with balloons.
All her friends were there.
And all her daughters, too.
Including a daughter who flew in from Mississippi.
Even my mom showed up!
We yelled it.
"Surprise!"
It blew her mind!
Lauren's folks have good friends and family.
They like to get silly and make sloppy, slippy speeches from the heart.
It was a wonderful tribute to a wonderful woman.
The spirit (and spirits) of the evening overtook me.
While hugging a family friend goodbye, I inadvertently squeezed her ass.
Poor Bonnie.
I apologized profusely.
She dismissed me with a hand.
"It was the best part of the night," she said.
Verdict: Win
November 26 - Ducks, Talks, Drinks
Lauren, Lauren's folks, my mom and I went on a duck tour.
Those amphibious WWII-era tanks that have been known to cause casualties.
It was fun.
We quacked along with the best of them.
Surprisingly the citizens of Pittsburgh weren't annoyed.
In fact, they quacked back.
Why not?
The Stillers are having a good season, n'at.
Brrr!!
It was brisk out in there.
Especially when we drove onto the river.
Either the Allegheny or the Monongahela.
Or both.
It is a confluence.
It gets slippy.
For lunch we ate at Primanti Bros.
I love Primanti's.
They put coleslaw and fries on the sandwiches.
I forgot what I ate.
Kolbassi, cappicola, knockwurst with egg.
Yinz gotta try it anymore.
Ah, but the fun had to end at some point.
It was time for Lauren's folks, my mom, and Lauren and I to sit at a round table and discuss the wedding.
It didn't go well.
We explained that we are not having a traditional ceremony.
I think this conjured images of blood soaked orgies, homosexual Manson worship, bestiality, consumption of human organs, and guzzling wine made from abortions.
At one point, my mom said "who are you?"
I was reduced to my sixteen-year-old self once again.
We got to the dead end of the discussion in a circuitous manner.
In lieu of peace, I drank.
In lieu of sleep, I harbored anger and resentment about what is scheduled to be the happiest day of my life.
Verdict: Loss
Those amphibious WWII-era tanks that have been known to cause casualties.
It was fun.
We quacked along with the best of them.
Surprisingly the citizens of Pittsburgh weren't annoyed.
In fact, they quacked back.
Why not?
The Stillers are having a good season, n'at.
Brrr!!
It was brisk out in there.
Especially when we drove onto the river.
Either the Allegheny or the Monongahela.
Or both.
It is a confluence.
It gets slippy.
For lunch we ate at Primanti Bros.
I love Primanti's.
They put coleslaw and fries on the sandwiches.
I forgot what I ate.
Kolbassi, cappicola, knockwurst with egg.
Yinz gotta try it anymore.
Ah, but the fun had to end at some point.
It was time for Lauren's folks, my mom, and Lauren and I to sit at a round table and discuss the wedding.
It didn't go well.
We explained that we are not having a traditional ceremony.
I think this conjured images of blood soaked orgies, homosexual Manson worship, bestiality, consumption of human organs, and guzzling wine made from abortions.
At one point, my mom said "who are you?"
I was reduced to my sixteen-year-old self once again.
We got to the dead end of the discussion in a circuitous manner.
In lieu of peace, I drank.
In lieu of sleep, I harbored anger and resentment about what is scheduled to be the happiest day of my life.
Verdict: Loss
November 25 - Thanksgiving in Pittsburgh
Thanksgiving!
Pittsburgh!
Turkey!
Beer!
Football!
Family!
Verdict: Win
Pittsburgh!
Turkey!
Beer!
Football!
Family!
Verdict: Win
November 24 - Chicago To Pittsburgh With The Women In My Life
Lauren, my mom and I drove to Pittsburgh today.
It's about an eight hour drive.
I got crabby.
Why do I get so crabby around my mom?
We do things differently I guess.
She likes to bring lots of pillows and bedding to places that already have pillows and bedding.
And other stuff.
It turns me sour and silent and sixteen.
I have to stop being sixteen at some point.
It's not that bad.
It's not even bad.
She loves me.
And she doesn't want me talking about her on the internet.
So I'll stop.
But I was crabby all day.
We stopped for lunch in Toledo.
Tony Packo's.
It's a Hungarian comfort food spot.
Klinger name-checked it a few times on M*A*S*H.
They have hundreds of autographed hot dog buns framed on the walls.
Including:
Jamie Farr
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Barack Obama
James Earl Ray*
and
Burt Reynolds
* no, not James Earl Jones
Despite displaying a racist murderer on their wall of fame, lunch was yummy.
Hot dogs, chili, paprikas dumplings.
Four more hours to Pittsburgh.
Lauren's folks welcomed us into their warm home with home made lasagna and wine.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
Here we go.
Verdict: Win
It's about an eight hour drive.
I got crabby.
Why do I get so crabby around my mom?
We do things differently I guess.
She likes to bring lots of pillows and bedding to places that already have pillows and bedding.
And other stuff.
It turns me sour and silent and sixteen.
I have to stop being sixteen at some point.
It's not that bad.
It's not even bad.
She loves me.
And she doesn't want me talking about her on the internet.
So I'll stop.
But I was crabby all day.
We stopped for lunch in Toledo.
Tony Packo's.
It's a Hungarian comfort food spot.
Klinger name-checked it a few times on M*A*S*H.
They have hundreds of autographed hot dog buns framed on the walls.
Including:
Jamie Farr
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Barack Obama
James Earl Ray*
and
Burt Reynolds
* no, not James Earl Jones
Despite displaying a racist murderer on their wall of fame, lunch was yummy.
Hot dogs, chili, paprikas dumplings.
Four more hours to Pittsburgh.
Lauren's folks welcomed us into their warm home with home made lasagna and wine.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
Here we go.
Verdict: Win
November 23 - Brief Nudity! Diane Lane! Brief Nudity! Diane Lane!
Lauren tolerates my celebrity crushes.
I am quite thankful for this.
There are many.
Donatella Arpaia
Maura Tierney
Angela Kinsey
Kim Deal
Rashida Jones
Mary Lynn Rajskub
Randi Oakes
Like most fellas, the list actually never ends.
For tonight's entertainment, Lauren suggested a film starring a long time crush, Diane Lane.
It was called A Little Romance.
It is set in Paris, a romantic town if ever one was forced to be that way.
"Okay," I said, and wondered aloud if it would have any brief nudity.
Lauren made an ostrich face.
Undeterred, I prepared for the possibility of brief nudity.
The lead in A Little Romance is a little girl.
She plays the daughter of an American actress.
They are living in France while her mother films a movie.
The girl seems to be about 9 or 10.
She's precocious and this sort of thing.
A French boy takes a liking to her and begins to court her.
He, too, is about 9 or 10.
Okay, cute, cool.
Where is Diane Lane?
She must be the hot actress mom.
I wonder what kind of actress she was playing.
Maybe a Skinemax actress.
Maybe one of the scenes would take place on the set of her Skinemax movie.
And I would get to see Diane Lane's boobs.
Or her butt.
The movie went on and focused on the little kids and their romance.
No sign of Diane Lane.
Wait.
"When was this movie made?" I asked.
"1979."
1979?
How old was Diane Lane in...
Ugh.
So.
The 9 year old is Diane Lane?
Eww.
Lauren has a funny sense of humor sometimes.
Verdict: Win
I am quite thankful for this.
There are many.
Donatella Arpaia
Maura Tierney
Angela Kinsey
Kim Deal
Rashida Jones
Mary Lynn Rajskub
Randi Oakes
Like most fellas, the list actually never ends.
For tonight's entertainment, Lauren suggested a film starring a long time crush, Diane Lane.
It was called A Little Romance.
It is set in Paris, a romantic town if ever one was forced to be that way.
"Okay," I said, and wondered aloud if it would have any brief nudity.
Lauren made an ostrich face.
Undeterred, I prepared for the possibility of brief nudity.
The lead in A Little Romance is a little girl.
She plays the daughter of an American actress.
They are living in France while her mother films a movie.
The girl seems to be about 9 or 10.
She's precocious and this sort of thing.
A French boy takes a liking to her and begins to court her.
He, too, is about 9 or 10.
Okay, cute, cool.
Where is Diane Lane?
She must be the hot actress mom.
I wonder what kind of actress she was playing.
Maybe a Skinemax actress.
Maybe one of the scenes would take place on the set of her Skinemax movie.
And I would get to see Diane Lane's boobs.
Or her butt.
The movie went on and focused on the little kids and their romance.
No sign of Diane Lane.
Wait.
"When was this movie made?" I asked.
"1979."
1979?
How old was Diane Lane in...
Ugh.
So.
The 9 year old is Diane Lane?
Eww.
Lauren has a funny sense of humor sometimes.
Verdict: Win
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