Today I wanted to watch Gumby.
I ended up watching Eraserhead instead.
That is all I did.
I don't remember leaving bed.
Verdict: Loss
November 21 - Getting Married Is A Snap
Tonight Lauren and I hosted an engagement party.
The first of many mandatory "LOOK AT US" events held to satisfy the requirements for the ritual of marriage.
This one proved relaxing and fun.
We held it at The Edgewater Lounge.
Nice beers, nice woodsy decor.
Friends from all local walks of our lives celebrated our impending nuptials.
Bitter Tears, Annoyance, Second City, Boom Chicago, NCL, and PAing were all represented.
It was an easy night.
So far getting married is really laid back.
All you do is meet, drink, and receive good cheer.
There's no stress and nothing to get worried about.
I'm looking forward to it staying like this for the remainder of the process.
Verdict: Win
The first of many mandatory "LOOK AT US" events held to satisfy the requirements for the ritual of marriage.
This one proved relaxing and fun.
We held it at The Edgewater Lounge.
Nice beers, nice woodsy decor.
Friends from all local walks of our lives celebrated our impending nuptials.
Bitter Tears, Annoyance, Second City, Boom Chicago, NCL, and PAing were all represented.
It was an easy night.
So far getting married is really laid back.
All you do is meet, drink, and receive good cheer.
There's no stress and nothing to get worried about.
I'm looking forward to it staying like this for the remainder of the process.
Verdict: Win
November 20 - Santa's Hell
Today Tom and I recorded a Xmas song for WXRT.
It's called "Santa's Hell".
You can hear it here.
The lyrics:
Santa watches your life
He sees when you've been naughty
Bad kids have a bad life
This year you've been naughty
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
You'll work 16 hour days
In a factory without ventilation
Making toys in a blaze
Of tears, blood and dehydration
Your timid organtic (sic) parents can't help you
They took the hybrid car and went on vacation
So grab a mallet
Make the toys
And while you're at it make me a yuletide libation
Cuz you're all in hell, you little geniuses
Santa's Hell
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
The lyrics were inspired by a moment at the Lincoln Square Costello's on Halloween weekend.
I was exiting and noticed a little boy and his mother entering.
I held the door for them.
The little boy stood in front of the door pouting.
"No! I don't want to!!"
He stomped his feet.
His mother talked to him gently, like she was his lowly assistant.
"But you like hot dogs."
I continued to hold the door for them.
The little boy stomped some more.
"NO! I HATE HOT DOGS!!"
I aborted being nice (a verb the mother might have considered), and walked through the eye of the tantrum.
They were oblivious.
They were oblivious to the world.
I looked around Lincoln Square.
The streets were saturated with hundreds more of these people.
In 2010, kids are king.
This song harkens back to a golden age when children were lucky to have survived birth, punished with hard labor, and subsisted on a diet of mush and gruel.
Enjoy!
Verdict: Win
It's called "Santa's Hell".
You can hear it here.
The lyrics:
Santa watches your life
He sees when you've been naughty
Bad kids have a bad life
This year you've been naughty
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
You'll work 16 hour days
In a factory without ventilation
Making toys in a blaze
Of tears, blood and dehydration
Your timid organtic (sic) parents can't help you
They took the hybrid car and went on vacation
So grab a mallet
Make the toys
And while you're at it make me a yuletide libation
Cuz you're all in hell, you little geniuses
Santa's Hell
Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho ho
The lyrics were inspired by a moment at the Lincoln Square Costello's on Halloween weekend.
I was exiting and noticed a little boy and his mother entering.
I held the door for them.
The little boy stood in front of the door pouting.
"No! I don't want to!!"
He stomped his feet.
His mother talked to him gently, like she was his lowly assistant.
"But you like hot dogs."
I continued to hold the door for them.
The little boy stomped some more.
"NO! I HATE HOT DOGS!!"
I aborted being nice (a verb the mother might have considered), and walked through the eye of the tantrum.
They were oblivious.
They were oblivious to the world.
I looked around Lincoln Square.
The streets were saturated with hundreds more of these people.
In 2010, kids are king.
This song harkens back to a golden age when children were lucky to have survived birth, punished with hard labor, and subsisted on a diet of mush and gruel.
Enjoy!
Verdict: Win
November 19 - The Sushi Cunts
I treated Lauren to a belated birthday dinner.
We chose Sushi Mike's, where Mike Sushi makes sushi.
It's a favorite of hers, now meaning ours.
We sat at the bar.
It was Friday and busy.
Mike Sushi seemed preoccupied.
With getting drunk.
At least he was a happy drunk.
That's the kind of drunk you want brandishing knives.
Mike Sushi also seemed preoccupied with the group next to us.
A gaggle of drunk trixies.
The kind that all go out in a uniform of blue jeans and white tees.
White teases.
We endured their grating cacophony of upward inflections.
And waited.
An apologetic looking server opened our bottle of wine.
We sipped on that for a while.
And waited some more.
The sushi trixies gave Sushi Mike another bottle of their beer.
They laughed in flat, ugly cackles and blathered on about screechy nothing.
I felt my teeth grinding.
The apologetic looking server took our order.
We opted for "The Mike Sushi".
That's where you list things you like and don't like.
Then Sushi Mike makes tailored sushi magic!
We were excited that our order was being taken.
While pouring our second glass of wine, we felt the periphery of the sushi trixies staring and laughing at us.
When we met their judgmental stare, they quickly looked away and stifled their giggles.
Lauren was wearing her pilgrim dress.
I was donning my diabolical goatee.
Yes, we looked like Satanists.
But the sushi trixies decided that was "gay".
Their pickled, snake-faced laughter transported us back to high school.
Or even junior high.
It was gross.
So we changed their names to "the sushi cunts".
I stared back at the sushi cunts and held it.
They were gross.
I put on a pair of X-ray glasses and observed them some more.
Their hearts were the size of tiny penises.
And they had fake tits for brains.
Interesting.
Sushi Mike broke the tension by fawning over their malicious flirting.
Remember when a popular girl would make fun of a dork by pretending to think he's cute?
This is what the sushi cunts were doing to Sushi Mike.
Selling him fictitious pussy.
And he was buying.
He fed each of the sushi cunts' mouths with his chopsticks.
"You get the big one!" he funnied to one of them.
They all laughed at the originality of the joke.
Then one of the sushi cunts spoke louder than the other sushi cunts.
"I FEEL CHEATED CUZ I GOT THE LITTLE ONE!"
Our wine bottle was almost empty and we hadn't eaten a thing.
It had become a horrible birthday dinner.
But we decided to accept it.
So we let horror lead the way.
"Maybe we'll get a story out of it."
Eventually, a dish arrived.
It was good yum yum etc.
But it was the same Mike Sushi original that we had the last time.
Oh.
So he was phoning it in for us.
While we were re-eating his personalized creation, a woman on her way out shook her head shamefully at Sushi Mike.
Then the table behind us murmured about the lack of service.
We commiserated, though it was hard to hear over all the amateur innuendo from Mike Sushi & The Sushi Cunts.
The apologetic looking server apologized and gave us a free dish of sushi remnants.
"I'm sorry. He's really drunk tonight."
Finally, the cunts left.
They took their queefy stench with them.
A blue glow pulsed under Sushi Mike's apron.
He staggered around, clumsily cranking out more careless sushi.
He attempted to have a conversation with us, but sentences weren't happening for him.
He knew he had fucked up, but he was too fucked up to amend it.
We nodded and smiled.
He stumbled over to other tables for unexpected visits like Drunkzilla, decimating the art of conversation.
We sighed and put on our coats.
Sushi Mike had become The Wizard of Oz.
Behind his curtain were just a few plates of sushi.
And an endless mirage of carnal hallucinations.
He intercepted us at the door.
"I'm moving. Got to move," he slurred.
Poor Sushi Mike.
It was a horrible night.
But sometimes horror is fun.
Verdict: Win
We chose Sushi Mike's, where Mike Sushi makes sushi.
It's a favorite of hers, now meaning ours.
We sat at the bar.
It was Friday and busy.
Mike Sushi seemed preoccupied.
With getting drunk.
At least he was a happy drunk.
That's the kind of drunk you want brandishing knives.
Mike Sushi also seemed preoccupied with the group next to us.
A gaggle of drunk trixies.
The kind that all go out in a uniform of blue jeans and white tees.
White teases.
We endured their grating cacophony of upward inflections.
And waited.
An apologetic looking server opened our bottle of wine.
We sipped on that for a while.
And waited some more.
The sushi trixies gave Sushi Mike another bottle of their beer.
They laughed in flat, ugly cackles and blathered on about screechy nothing.
I felt my teeth grinding.
The apologetic looking server took our order.
We opted for "The Mike Sushi".
That's where you list things you like and don't like.
Then Sushi Mike makes tailored sushi magic!
We were excited that our order was being taken.
While pouring our second glass of wine, we felt the periphery of the sushi trixies staring and laughing at us.
When we met their judgmental stare, they quickly looked away and stifled their giggles.
Lauren was wearing her pilgrim dress.
I was donning my diabolical goatee.
Yes, we looked like Satanists.
But the sushi trixies decided that was "gay".
Their pickled, snake-faced laughter transported us back to high school.
Or even junior high.
It was gross.
So we changed their names to "the sushi cunts".
I stared back at the sushi cunts and held it.
They were gross.
I put on a pair of X-ray glasses and observed them some more.
Their hearts were the size of tiny penises.
And they had fake tits for brains.
Interesting.
Sushi Mike broke the tension by fawning over their malicious flirting.
Remember when a popular girl would make fun of a dork by pretending to think he's cute?
This is what the sushi cunts were doing to Sushi Mike.
Selling him fictitious pussy.
And he was buying.
He fed each of the sushi cunts' mouths with his chopsticks.
"You get the big one!" he funnied to one of them.
They all laughed at the originality of the joke.
Then one of the sushi cunts spoke louder than the other sushi cunts.
"I FEEL CHEATED CUZ I GOT THE LITTLE ONE!"
Our wine bottle was almost empty and we hadn't eaten a thing.
It had become a horrible birthday dinner.
But we decided to accept it.
So we let horror lead the way.
"Maybe we'll get a story out of it."
Eventually, a dish arrived.
It was good yum yum etc.
But it was the same Mike Sushi original that we had the last time.
Oh.
So he was phoning it in for us.
While we were re-eating his personalized creation, a woman on her way out shook her head shamefully at Sushi Mike.
Then the table behind us murmured about the lack of service.
We commiserated, though it was hard to hear over all the amateur innuendo from Mike Sushi & The Sushi Cunts.
The apologetic looking server apologized and gave us a free dish of sushi remnants.
"I'm sorry. He's really drunk tonight."
Finally, the cunts left.
They took their queefy stench with them.
A blue glow pulsed under Sushi Mike's apron.
He staggered around, clumsily cranking out more careless sushi.
He attempted to have a conversation with us, but sentences weren't happening for him.
He knew he had fucked up, but he was too fucked up to amend it.
We nodded and smiled.
He stumbled over to other tables for unexpected visits like Drunkzilla, decimating the art of conversation.
We sighed and put on our coats.
Sushi Mike had become The Wizard of Oz.
Behind his curtain were just a few plates of sushi.
And an endless mirage of carnal hallucinations.
He intercepted us at the door.
"I'm moving. Got to move," he slurred.
Poor Sushi Mike.
It was a horrible night.
But sometimes horror is fun.
Verdict: Win
November 18 - Happy Birthday, Lauren!
Today was Lauren's birthday.
She is my current fiancé.
How did I celebrate?
Well..
I got up bright and early.
And I tip toed out of the house.
And...
I went to work!
Once again, on two hours of sleep, I PA'ed.
It was a Spanish version of the commercial we had shot last month.
I got to stand-in for the female talent.
It looked like this.
Some of the fellas whispered on the radio about how sexy I looked.
They were right, in a GHB kinda way.
The AD asked if I could slate.
I made the word "yes" with my mouth and found myself purposeful for the entirety of the day.
Miraculously, my slating was flawless.
Meanwhile, Lauren was birthdaying all over Chicago.
She got massages and oilses and featherings and all that stuff the gal pals in Sex On The City did.
Then she went out and enjoyed nondescript celebratory activities during the night.
When she got home I was asleep.
If you squinted hard enough, my snoring almost sounded like a garbage disposal singing "Happy Birthday".
So Hrrrkkkkkapprrrrkkkky Brrkkthkkkkrrray, kkkLrrrrnnnnnnkkkkk!
Verdict: Loss
She is my current fiancé.
How did I celebrate?
Well..
I got up bright and early.
And I tip toed out of the house.
And...
I went to work!
Once again, on two hours of sleep, I PA'ed.
It was a Spanish version of the commercial we had shot last month.
I got to stand-in for the female talent.
It looked like this.
Some of the fellas whispered on the radio about how sexy I looked.
They were right, in a GHB kinda way.
The AD asked if I could slate.
I made the word "yes" with my mouth and found myself purposeful for the entirety of the day.
Miraculously, my slating was flawless.
Meanwhile, Lauren was birthdaying all over Chicago.
She got massages and oilses and featherings and all that stuff the gal pals in Sex On The City did.
Then she went out and enjoyed nondescript celebratory activities during the night.
When she got home I was asleep.
If you squinted hard enough, my snoring almost sounded like a garbage disposal singing "Happy Birthday".
So Hrrrkkkkkapprrrrkkkky Brrkkthkkkkrrray, kkkLrrrrnnnnnnkkkkk!
Verdict: Loss
Nurse Novels - Last Show Of This Vintage
The Nurse Novels are playing our last show.
Here is what I told the press, who ignored it.I'll pass it along to you.
In 2010, Chicago needed one more band. And The Nurse Novels (former members of Let’s Get Out Of This Terrible Sandwich Shop with Nicole from Unicycle Loves You on bass) rose to the challenge.
But the challenge proved difficult.
Without a flashy, obnoxious name, few took notice of Chicago’s latest band. The six that did declared it a graduation from the Sandwich Shop. The Nurse Novels wrote stronger songs, had matured as musicians, and crafted better arrangements, without having to rely on improv bits or sketchy gags.
So now they were just another band.
And they didn’t have the energy to pitch their songs to ad agencies, sift through hourly Reverbnation spam, or figure out what item to sell at the merch table other than their album to get people to buy their album.
Last week, The Nurse Novels saw a classified ad in Illinois Entertainer. A new reggae band was forming. They call themselves Peace Spliff. They sell one-hitters and jam.
So in 2011, The Nurse Novels are dissolving to make room for Chicago’s newest band.
Services for The Nurse Novels will be held Wednesday, March 9 at The Abbey Pub.
There will be no merchandise.
The Nurse Novels
opening for
Tahiti 80 (from France!)
Chateau Marmont (also from France!)
and
Gemini Club (not from France!!)
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Abbey Pub
3420 W Grace, Chicago
8pm
$15 (take that, Fugazi!)
We are going out quietly, like how we came in.
Maybe I will see some of you there.
Look for our records to come out at some point.
Verdict: Loss
Ray's Tap Plug
Short notice I know but..
Tonight I'm doing a new original bit for the Ray's Tap Reading Series.
This week's theme:
The Anti-Erotic/Sex-Negative/Anti-Natal Extravaganza
Here is curator Chris Bower's description of the event:
Prepare to be turned off!
“We are only alive because two people did a disgusting thing or a scientist in a lab did a series of disgusting things. “
Who said that?
A reasonable person did.
The Ray’s Tap Reading Series is going to be exploring the stories that come from that very perspective. What we want to do to each other and willingly allow ourselves to do to ourselves, has reached a point where the world should cease to be. We need to first look to Japan and then away from Japan because it is all just too disgusting. And the we look to Germany and we are horrified by what we see there as well. And we are not talking about niche groups, you can find the same thing happening all around the world, even in more wholesome places like the Middle East where there are women that can only orgasm when they think their vagina is in outer-space. And it is. They are right. I am sure Adam and Eve had a passable time, but they only did what they did because they were bored and just got lucky. I am sure Adam had next planned to hit Eve with a tree trunk to see if another head grew out of the one he just knocked off. We got lucky, and not in a good way. It may have felt good for them at the time, but that wasn’t the point. They were just fucking around, sticking things into things and when Adam first orgasmed into Eve, he was waiting for a butterfly who he saw turn into a butterfly turn into something cooler, and when it didn’t happen, he just couldn’t hold on any longer and was ashamed about it and Eve was not happy about it either. He was ashamed because he thought the butterfly would have turned into something really cool if only he waited. She was waiting for the butterfly to turn back into a caterpillar, the only image that could make her orgasm. In the end, they were both disgusted. Whatever felt good was erased by all that didn’t. And we remain that disgusted, today.
Just to let everyone know, the Ray’s Tap Reading Series is not interested in telling you that sex does not feel good. We are just out to tell you that it is disgusting and awful and should never be done because it only causes pain and trouble and large buildings.
Featuring new work by
Matt Test
Dave Snyder
Lindsay Hunter
Tom Vale
Daniel Shapiro
Tim Racine
Mason Johnson
and Tony Mendoza.
posters by Susie Kirkwood
Bar opens at 8. Remember that Ray's is small and smokey so don't come if you can't handle it.
“We are only alive because two people did a disgusting thing or a scientist in a lab did a series of disgusting things. “
Who said that?
A reasonable person did.
The Ray’s Tap Reading Series is going to be exploring the stories that come from that very perspective. What we want to do to each other and willingly allow ourselves to do to ourselves, has reached a point where the world should cease to be. We need to first look to Japan and then away from Japan because it is all just too disgusting. And the we look to Germany and we are horrified by what we see there as well. And we are not talking about niche groups, you can find the same thing happening all around the world, even in more wholesome places like the Middle East where there are women that can only orgasm when they think their vagina is in outer-space. And it is. They are right. I am sure Adam and Eve had a passable time, but they only did what they did because they were bored and just got lucky. I am sure Adam had next planned to hit Eve with a tree trunk to see if another head grew out of the one he just knocked off. We got lucky, and not in a good way. It may have felt good for them at the time, but that wasn’t the point. They were just fucking around, sticking things into things and when Adam first orgasmed into Eve, he was waiting for a butterfly who he saw turn into a butterfly turn into something cooler, and when it didn’t happen, he just couldn’t hold on any longer and was ashamed about it and Eve was not happy about it either. He was ashamed because he thought the butterfly would have turned into something really cool if only he waited. She was waiting for the butterfly to turn back into a caterpillar, the only image that could make her orgasm. In the end, they were both disgusted. Whatever felt good was erased by all that didn’t. And we remain that disgusted, today.
Just to let everyone know, the Ray’s Tap Reading Series is not interested in telling you that sex does not feel good. We are just out to tell you that it is disgusting and awful and should never be done because it only causes pain and trouble and large buildings.
Featuring new work by
Matt Test
Dave Snyder
Lindsay Hunter
Tom Vale
Daniel Shapiro
Tim Racine
Mason Johnson
and Tony Mendoza.
posters by Susie Kirkwood
Bar opens at 8. Remember that Ray's is small and smokey so don't come if you can't handle it.
Tonight, Friday March 4 at 9pm
Ray's Tap
3047 N Kimball
Free
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